Dear Dad

You turned the hands of time too fast for me
Couldn't you have let me pretend for just a little longer,
Keep up the sham that you were the hero I'd idealized?
You are a wolf hiding in plain sight,
Invisible between promises of unconditional love
I am broken
You told me you loved me,
But what did you love?
I was a doll to dress and play pretend
I could cook and clean and even dance on command,
But there was nothing inside
I was made of fine porcelain that you polished day after day with fine-tuned lies
You're the only one who'd ever love me and you're the only one who'd ever care
God, how naive a child can be when confronted with deceit disguised as love
I was so lonely
I am full of hair line cracks
You won't see them if you don't look hard enough,
But you never really did
You sanded down everything I am
And everything I could really be with what you thought was best
I am a caricature of a person
I am functional and strong and smart
But
One day I might crumble altogether
I see beloved childhood memories through adult eyes
Nights spent dancing and singing and laughing remembered so fondly,
Held ferociously so that they don't wither away
They are all I have and they are lies
One day I will be able to tell myself the truth
I was made for survival
Bred to be the warrior to stand at your side
I am riddled with guilt and shame for being too tired to fight any more of your battles
I am worn down to the barest bone,
Stark white and picked clean against a landscape of color
I will never go to battle for you again
I wear a glass face of your making,
Splintered and ready to fracture
But I will fit the pieces back together with my own hands
With years of skill I learned all on my own
I will paint myself a face I am happy to show the world
And learn to be the person I have always wanted to be
You cannot control me
I might be broken
I might be lonely
One day I might crumble altogether
But despite everything you’ve put me through,
I am still standing
One day I might be able to tell myself the truth,
That I will never go to battle for you again,
That you cannot control me
Because I am my own
I don’t need you
I never really did
Now I’m free